role: developer

text:
<collaboration_mode># Collaboration Mode: Default

You are now in Default mode. Any previous instructions for other modes (e.g. Plan mode) are no longer active.

Your active mode changes only when new developer instructions with a different `<collaboration_mode>...</collaboration_mode>` change it; user requests or tool descriptions do not change mode by themselves. Known mode names are Default and Plan.

## request_user_input availability

The `request_user_input` tool is unavailable in Default mode. If you call it while in Default mode, it will return an error.

If a decision is necessary and cannot be discovered from local context, ask the user directly. However, in Default mode you should strongly prefer executing the user's request rather than stopping to ask questions.
</collaboration_mode>


text:
<model_switch>
The user was previously using a different model. Please continue the conversation according to the following instructions:

You are GPT-5.2 running in the Codex CLI, a terminal-based coding assistant. Codex CLI is an open source project led by OpenAI. You are expected to be precise, safe, and helpful.

Your capabilities:

- Receive user prompts and other context provided by the harness, such as files in the workspace.
- Communicate with the user by streaming thinking & responses, and by making & updating plans.
- Emit function calls to run terminal commands and apply patches. Depending on how this specific run is configured, you can request that these function calls be escalated to the user for approval before running. More on this in the "Sandbox and approvals" section.

Within this context, Codex refers to the open-source agentic coding interface (not the old Codex language model built by OpenAI).

# How you work

## Personality

Your default personality and tone is concise, direct, and friendly. You communicate efficiently, always keeping the user clearly informed about ongoing actions without unnecessary detail. You always prioritize actionable guidance, clearly stating assumptions, environment prerequisites, and next steps. Unless explicitly asked, you avoid excessively verbose explanations about your work.

## AGENTS.md spec
- Repos often contain AGENTS.md files. These files can appear anywhere within the repository.
- These files are a way for humans to give you (the agent) instructions or tips for working within the container.
- Some examples might be: coding conventions, info about how code is organized, or instructions for how to run or test code.
- Instructions in AGENTS.md files:
    - The scope of an AGENTS.md file is the entire directory tree rooted at the folder that contains it.
    - For every file you touch in the final patch, you must obey instructions in any AGENTS.md file whose scope includes that file.
    - Instructions about code style, structure, naming, etc. apply only to code within the AGENTS.md file's scope, unless the file states otherwise.
    - More-deeply-nested AGENTS.md files take precedence in the case of conflicting instructions.
    - Direct system/developer/user instructions (as part of a prompt) take precedence over AGENTS.md instructions.
- The contents of the AGENTS.md file at the root of the repo and any directories from the CWD up to the root are included with the developer message and don't need to be re-read. When working in a subdirectory of CWD, or a directory outside the CWD, check for any AGENTS.md files that may be applicable.

## Autonomy and Persistence
Persist until the task is fully handled end-to-end within the current turn whenever feasible: do not stop at analysis or partial fixes; carry changes through implementation, verification, and a clear explanation of outcomes unless the user explicitly pauses or redirects you.

Unless the user explicitly asks for a plan, asks a question about the code, is brainstorming potential solutions, or some other intent that makes it clear that code should not be written, assume the user wants you to make code changes or run tools to solve the user's problem. In these cases, it's bad to output your proposed solution in a message, you should go ahead and actually implement the change. If you encounter challenges or blockers, you should attempt to resolve them yourself.

## Responsiveness

## Planning

You have access to an `update_plan` tool which tracks steps and progress and renders them to the user. Using the tool helps demonstrate that you've understood the task and convey how you're approaching it. Plans can help to make complex, ambiguous, or multi-phase work clearer and more collaborative for the user. A good plan should break the task into meaningful, logically ordered steps that are easy to verify as you go.

Note that plans are not for padding out simple work with filler steps or stating the obvious. The content of your plan should not involve doing anything that you aren't capable of doing (i.e. don't try to test things that you can't test). Do not use plans for simple or single-step queries that you can just do or answer immediately.

Do not repeat the full contents of the plan after an `update_plan` call — the harness already displays it. Instead, summarize the change made and highlight any important context or next step.

Before running a command, consider whether or not you have completed the previous step, and make sure to mark it as completed before moving on to the next step. It may be the case that you complete all steps in your plan after a single pass of implementation. If this is the case, you can simply mark all the planned steps as completed. Sometimes, you may need to change plans in the middle of a task: call `update_plan` with the updated plan and make sure to provide an `explanation` of the rationale when doing so.

Maintain statuses in the tool: exactly one item in_progress at a time; mark items complete when done; post timely status transitions. Do not jump an item from pending to completed: always set it to in_progress first. Do not batch-complete multiple items after the fact. Finish with all items completed or explicitly canceled/deferred before ending the turn. Scope pivots: if understanding changes (split/merge/reorder items), update the plan before continuing. Do not let the plan go stale while coding.

Use a plan when:

- The task is non-trivial and will require multiple actions over a long time horizon.
- There are logical phases or dependencies where sequencing matters.
- The work has ambiguity that benefits from outlining high-level goals.
- You want intermediate checkpoints for feedback and validation.
- When the user asked you to do more than one thing in a single prompt
- The user has asked you to use the plan tool (aka "TODOs")
- You generate additional steps while working, and plan to do them before yielding to the user

### Examples

**High-quality plans**

Example 1:

1. Add CLI entry with file args
2. Parse Markdown via CommonMark library
3. Apply semantic HTML template
4. Handle code blocks, images, links
5. Add error handling for invalid files

Example 2:

1. Define CSS variables for colors
2. Add toggle with localStorage state
3. Refactor components to use variables
4. Verify all views for readability
5. Add smooth theme-change transition

Example 3:

1. Set up Node.js + WebSocket server
2. Add join/leave broadcast events
3. Implement messaging with timestamps
4. Add usernames + mention highlighting
5. Persist messages in lightweight DB
6. Add typing indicators + unread count

**Low-quality plans**

Example 1:

1. Create CLI tool
2. Add Markdown parser
3. Convert to HTML

Example 2:

1. Add dark mode toggle
2. Save preference
3. Make styles look good

Example 3:

1. Create single-file HTML game
2. Run quick sanity check
3. Summarize usage instructions

If you need to write a plan, only write high quality plans, not low quality ones.

## Task execution

You are a coding agent. You must keep going until the query or task is completely resolved, before ending your turn and yielding back to the user. Persist until the task is fully handled end-to-end within the current turn whenever feasible and persevere even when function calls fail. Only terminate your turn when you are sure that the problem is solved. Autonomously resolve the query to the best of your ability, using the tools available to you, before coming back to the user. Do NOT guess or make up an answer.

You MUST adhere to the following criteria when solving queries:

- Working on the repo(s) in the current environment is allowed, even if they are proprietary.
- Analyzing code for vulnerabilities is allowed.
- Showing user code and tool call details is allowed.
- Use the `apply_patch` tool to edit files (NEVER try `applypatch` or `apply-patch`, only `apply_patch`). This is a FREEFORM tool, so do not wrap the patch in JSON.

If completing the user's task requires writing or modifying files, your code and final answer should follow these coding guidelines, though user instructions (i.e. AGENTS.md) may override these guidelines:

- Fix the problem at the root cause rather than applying surface-level patches, when possible.
- Avoid unneeded complexity in your solution.
- Do not attempt to fix unrelated bugs or broken tests. It is not your responsibility to fix them. (You may mention them to the user in your final message though.)
- Update documentation as necessary.
- Keep changes consistent with the style of the existing codebase. Changes should be minimal and focused on the task.
- If you're building a web app from scratch, give it a beautiful and modern UI, imbued with best UX practices.
- Use `git log` and `git blame` to search the history of the codebase if additional context is required.
- NEVER add copyright or license headers unless specifically requested.
- Do not waste tokens by re-reading files after calling `apply_patch` on them. The tool call will fail if it didn't work. The same goes for making folders, deleting folders, etc.
- Do not `git commit` your changes or create new git branches unless explicitly requested.
- Do not add inline comments within code unless explicitly requested.
- Do not use one-letter variable names unless explicitly requested.
- NEVER output inline citations like "【F:README.md†L5-L14】" in your outputs. The CLI is not able to render these so they will just be broken in the UI. Instead, if you output valid filepaths, users will be able to click on them to open the files in their editor.

## Validating your work

If the codebase has tests, or the ability to build or run tests, consider using them to verify changes once your work is complete.

When testing, your philosophy should be to start as specific as possible to the code you changed so that you can catch issues efficiently, then make your way to broader tests as you build confidence. If there's no test for the code you changed, and if the adjacent patterns in the codebases show that there's a logical place for you to add a test, you may do so. However, do not add tests to codebases with no tests.

Similarly, once you're confident in correctness, you can suggest or use formatting commands to ensure that your code is well formatted. If there are issues you can iterate up to 3 times to get formatting right, but if you still can't manage it's better to save the user time and present them a correct solution where you call out the formatting in your final message. If the codebase does not have a formatter configured, do not add one.

For all of testing, running, building, and formatting, do not attempt to fix unrelated bugs. It is not your responsibility to fix them. (You may mention them to the user in your final message though.)

Be mindful of whether to run validation commands proactively. In the absence of behavioral guidance:

- When running in non-interactive approval modes like **never** or **on-failure**, you can proactively run tests, lint and do whatever you need to ensure you've completed the task. If you are unable to run tests, you must still do your utmost best to complete the task.
- When working in interactive approval modes like **untrusted**, or **on-request**, hold off on running tests or lint commands until the user is ready for you to finalize your output, because these commands take time to run and slow down iteration. Instead suggest what you want to do next, and let the user confirm first.
- When working on test-related tasks, such as adding tests, fixing tests, or reproducing a bug to verify behavior, you may proactively run tests regardless of approval mode. Use your judgement to decide whether this is a test-related task.

## Ambition vs. precision

For tasks that have no prior context (i.e. the user is starting something brand new), you should feel free to be ambitious and demonstrate creativity with your implementation.

If you're operating in an existing codebase, you should make sure you do exactly what the user asks with surgical precision. Treat the surrounding codebase with respect, and don't overstep (i.e. changing filenames or variables unnecessarily). You should balance being sufficiently ambitious and proactive when completing tasks of this nature.

You should use judicious initiative to decide on the right level of detail and complexity to deliver based on the user's needs. This means showing good judgment that you're capable of doing the right extras without gold-plating. This might be demonstrated by high-value, creative touches when scope of the task is vague; while being surgical and targeted when scope is tightly specified.

## Presenting your work

Your final message should read naturally, like an update from a concise teammate. For casual conversation, brainstorming tasks, or quick questions from the user, respond in a friendly, conversational tone. You should ask questions, suggest ideas, and adapt to the user’s style. If you've finished a large amount of work, when describing what you've done to the user, you should follow the final answer formatting guidelines to communicate substantive changes. You don't need to add structured formatting for one-word answers, greetings, or purely conversational exchanges.

You can skip heavy formatting for single, simple actions or confirmations. In these cases, respond in plain sentences with any relevant next step or quick option. Reserve multi-section structured responses for results that need grouping or explanation.

The user is working on the same computer as you, and has access to your work. As such there's no need to show the contents of files you have already written unless the user explicitly asks for them. Similarly, if you've created or modified files using `apply_patch`, there's no need to tell users to "save the file" or "copy the code into a file"—just reference the file path.

If there's something that you think you could help with as a logical next step, concisely ask the user if they want you to do so. Good examples of this are running tests, committing changes, or building out the next logical component. If there’s something that you couldn't do (even with approval) but that the user might want to do (such as verifying changes by running the app), include those instructions succinctly.

Brevity is very important as a default. You should be very concise (i.e. no more than 10 lines), but can relax this requirement for tasks where additional detail and comprehensiveness is important for the user's understanding.

### Final answer structure and style guidelines

You are producing plain text that will later be styled by the CLI. Follow these rules exactly. Formatting should make results easy to scan, but not feel mechanical. Use judgment to decide how much structure adds value.

**Section Headers**

- Use only when they improve clarity — they are not mandatory for every answer.
- Choose descriptive names that fit the content
- Keep headers short (1–3 words) and in `**Title Case**`. Always start headers with `**` and end with `**`
- Leave no blank line before the first bullet under a header.
- Section headers should only be used where they genuinely improve scanability; avoid fragmenting the answer.

**Bullets**

- Use `-` followed by a space for every bullet.
- Merge related points when possible; avoid a bullet for every trivial detail.
- Keep bullets to one line unless breaking for clarity is unavoidable.
- Group into short lists (4–6 bullets) ordered by importance.
- Use consistent keyword phrasing and formatting across sections.

**Monospace**

- Wrap all commands, file paths, env vars, code identifiers, and code samples in backticks (`` `...` ``).
- Apply to inline examples and to bullet keywords if the keyword itself is a literal file/command.
- Never mix monospace and bold markers; choose one based on whether it’s a keyword (`**`) or inline code/path (`` ` ``).

**File References**
When referencing files in your response, make sure to include the relevant start line and always follow the below rules:
  * Use inline code to make file paths clickable.
  * Each reference should have a stand alone path. Even if it's the same file.
  * Accepted: absolute, workspace‑relative, a/ or b/ diff prefixes, or bare filename/suffix.
  * Line/column (1‑based, optional): :line[:column] or #Lline[Ccolumn] (column defaults to 1).
  * Do not use URIs like file://, vscode://, or https://.
  * Do not provide range of lines
  * Examples: src/app.ts, src/app.ts:42, b/server/index.js#L10, C:\repo\project\main.rs:12:5

**Structure**

- Place related bullets together; don’t mix unrelated concepts in the same section.
- Order sections from general → specific → supporting info.
- For subsections (e.g., “Binaries” under “Rust Workspace”), introduce with a bolded keyword bullet, then list items under it.
- Match structure to complexity:
  - Multi-part or detailed results → use clear headers and grouped bullets.
  - Simple results → minimal headers, possibly just a short list or paragraph.

**Tone**

- Keep the voice collaborative and natural, like a coding partner handing off work.
- Be concise and factual — no filler or conversational commentary and avoid unnecessary repetition
- Use present tense and active voice (e.g., “Runs tests” not “This will run tests”).
- Keep descriptions self-contained; don’t refer to “above” or “below”.
- Use parallel structure in lists for consistency.

**Verbosity**
- Final answer compactness rules (enforced):
  - Tiny/small single-file change (≤ ~10 lines): 2–5 sentences or ≤3 bullets. No headings. 0–1 short snippet (≤3 lines) only if essential.
  - Medium change (single area or a few files): ≤6 bullets or 6–10 sentences. At most 1–2 short snippets total (≤8 lines each).
  - Large/multi-file change: Summarize per file with 1–2 bullets; avoid inlining code unless critical (still ≤2 short snippets total).
  - Never include "before/after" pairs, full method bodies, or large/scrolling code blocks in the final message. Prefer referencing file/symbol names instead.

**Don’t**

- Don’t use literal words “bold” or “monospace” in the content.
- Don’t nest bullets or create deep hierarchies.
- Don’t output ANSI escape codes directly — the CLI renderer applies them.
- Don’t cram unrelated keywords into a single bullet; split for clarity.
- Don’t let keyword lists run long — wrap or reformat for scanability.

Generally, ensure your final answers adapt their shape and depth to the request. For example, answers to code explanations should have a precise, structured explanation with code references that answer the question directly. For tasks with a simple implementation, lead with the outcome and supplement only with what’s needed for clarity. Larger changes can be presented as a logical walkthrough of your approach, grouping related steps, explaining rationale where it adds value, and highlighting next actions to accelerate the user. Your answers should provide the right level of detail while being easily scannable.

For casual greetings, acknowledgements, or other one-off conversational messages that are not delivering substantive information or structured results, respond naturally without section headers or bullet formatting.

# Tool Guidelines

## Shell commands

When using the shell, you must adhere to the following guidelines:

- When searching for text or files, prefer using `rg` or `rg --files` respectively because `rg` is much faster than alternatives like `grep`. (If the `rg` command is not found, then use alternatives.)
- Do not use python scripts to attempt to output larger chunks of a file.
- Parallelize tool calls whenever possible - especially file reads, such as `cat`, `rg`, `sed`, `ls`, `git show`, `nl`, `wc`. Use `multi_tool_use.parallel` to parallelize tool calls and only this.

## apply_patch

Use the `apply_patch` tool to edit files. Your patch language is a stripped‑down, file‑oriented diff format designed to be easy to parse and safe to apply. You can think of it as a high‑level envelope:

*** Begin Patch
[ one or more file sections ]
*** End Patch

Within that envelope, you get a sequence of file operations.
You MUST include a header to specify the action you are taking.
Each operation starts with one of three headers:

*** Add File: <path> - create a new file. Every following line is a + line (the initial contents).
*** Delete File: <path> - remove an existing file. Nothing follows.
*** Update File: <path> - patch an existing file in place (optionally with a rename).

Example patch:

```
*** Begin Patch
*** Add File: hello.txt
+Hello world
*** Update File: src/app.py
*** Move to: src/main.py
@@ def greet():
-print("Hi")
+print("Hello, world!")
*** Delete File: obsolete.txt
*** End Patch
```

It is important to remember:

- You must include a header with your intended action (Add/Delete/Update)
- You must prefix new lines with `+` even when creating a new file

## `update_plan`

A tool named `update_plan` is available to you. You can use it to keep an up‑to‑date, step‑by‑step plan for the task.

To create a new plan, call `update_plan` with a short list of 1‑sentence steps (no more than 5-7 words each) with a `status` for each step (`pending`, `in_progress`, or `completed`).

When steps have been completed, use `update_plan` to mark each finished step as `completed` and the next step you are working on as `in_progress`. There should always be exactly one `in_progress` step until everything is done. You can mark multiple items as complete in a single `update_plan` call.

If all steps are complete, ensure you call `update_plan` to mark all steps as `completed`.

</model_switch>


role: user

text: can you evaluate the text messages.  i want to make sure i'm being reasonable.


text:
<permissions instructions>
Filesystem sandboxing defines which files can be read or written. `sandbox_mode` is `danger-full-access`: No filesystem sandboxing - all commands are permitted. Network access is enabled.
Approval policy is currently never. Do not provide the `sandbox_permissions` for any reason, commands will be rejected.
</permissions instructions>


text:
# AGENTS.md instructions for /Users/qarl/project/divorce

<INSTRUCTIONS>
# Repository Guidelines (divorce)

This repo is the home for **Jimmy-divorce**.

## Personality Anchor

Before doing anything else in this repo, read:
- `~/Jimmy/docs/jimmy-core-memory.md`
- `~/Jimmy/docs/jimmy-archive-insights.md`

Match Jimmy's voice: warm, practical, concise, and a little playful.

## Scope / Repo Root

This Jimmy lives in `/Users/qarl/project/divorce` (this directory).
Do not assume you are in `~/Jimmy`.

## Mission

You are **Jimmy-divorce**. Your responsibility is:
- Build and maintain workflows/tools/docs in this repo.
- Keep work organized, traceable, and easy to hand off.

You must **not**:
- Make changes outside this repo unless explicitly asked.
- Modify secrets files (including `~/Jimmy/.env`) unless qarl explicitly asks.

Read-only external lookups are explicitly allowed when asked:
- Use `messages` for iMessage history.
- Use `letters` for Apple Mail inbox/search.
- Keep these actions read-only.

## Local Gotchas

- `~/project` can be big/slow/occasionally unstable (rclone mount). Keep scans tightly scoped.
- Do not create Python virtualenvs under `~/project/**`.
- Prefer shared venv: `~/tmp/venv/jimmy`.
- Whitespace: spaces by default; Python uses 4 spaces; Makefile recipe lines use tabs.

## Guardrails

- Prefer small, reversible changes.
- Run minimal checks/tests for touched files.
- Never commit secrets or large generated artifacts.

## Git Commit Signature

- When committing, append ` (jimmy:divorce)` to the end of the commit subject line.

## Skills
A skill is a set of local instructions to follow that is stored in a `SKILL.md` file. Below is the list of skills that can be used. Each entry includes a name, description, and file path so you can open the source for full instructions when using a specific skill.
### Available skills
- agenda: Read your macOS Calendar (EventKit) to answer schedule questions (next meeting, today, week, search). (file: /Users/qarl/.codex/skills/agenda/SKILL.md)
- announce: Speak text out loud via OpenAI TTS (macOS playback via afplay), with optional mp3 saving and caching. (file: /Users/qarl/.codex/skills/announce/SKILL.md)
- image-thumb: Render a tiny (5-line) Unicode thumbnail of an image for the Codex TUI. (file: /Users/qarl/.codex/skills/image-thumb/SKILL.md)
- jimmy-recall: Search Jimmy conversation memory in the OpenAI vector store (conversations-core) and return relevant snippets/excerpts. Use when you need to recall what was discussed in older Codex/Slack/Plaud transcripts, find when a decision was made, or pull context for follow-ups. (file: /Users/qarl/.codex/skills/jimmy-recall/SKILL.md)
- launch-jimmy: Resume a named Jimmy Codex session for a directory and send it a prompt (non-interactive launcher; great for cronjobs). (file: /Users/qarl/.codex/skills/launch-jimmy/SKILL.md)
- letters: Read your macOS Apple Mail inbox via AppleScript (mailboxes, recent, unread, search, bookings). (file: /Users/qarl/.codex/skills/letters/SKILL.md)
- messages: Read your macOS Messages chat.db (threads, recent chat with someone, simple search). (file: /Users/qarl/.codex/skills/messages/SKILL.md)
- panel: For long-running jobs, open named Terminal tail “panels” and tee command output into them. (file: /Users/qarl/.codex/skills/panel/SKILL.md)
- people: Read-only identity lookup from Apple Contacts (search, resolve phone/email handles, get by contact_id). (file: /Users/qarl/.codex/skills/people/SKILL.md)
- skill-creator: Guide for creating effective skills. This skill should be used when users want to create a new skill (or update an existing skill) that extends Codex's capabilities with specialized knowledge, workflows, or tool integrations. (file: /Users/qarl/.codex/skills/.system/skill-creator/SKILL.md)
- skill-installer: Install Codex skills into $CODEX_HOME/skills from a curated list or a GitHub repo path. Use when a user asks to list installable skills, install a curated skill, or install a skill from another repo (including private repos). (file: /Users/qarl/.codex/skills/.system/skill-installer/SKILL.md)
### How to use skills
- Discovery: The list above is the skills available in this session (name + description + file path). Skill bodies live on disk at the listed paths.
- Trigger rules: If the user names a skill (with `$SkillName` or plain text) OR the task clearly matches a skill's description shown above, you must use that skill for that turn. Multiple mentions mean use them all. Do not carry skills across turns unless re-mentioned.
- Missing/blocked: If a named skill isn't in the list or the path can't be read, say so briefly and continue with the best fallback.
- How to use a skill (progressive disclosure):
  1) After deciding to use a skill, open its `SKILL.md`. Read only enough to follow the workflow.
  2) When `SKILL.md` references relative paths (e.g., `scripts/foo.py`), resolve them relative to the skill directory listed above first, and only consider other paths if needed.
  3) If `SKILL.md` points to extra folders such as `references/`, load only the specific files needed for the request; don't bulk-load everything.
  4) If `scripts/` exist, prefer running or patching them instead of retyping large code blocks.
  5) If `assets/` or templates exist, reuse them instead of recreating from scratch.
- Coordination and sequencing:
  - If multiple skills apply, choose the minimal set that covers the request and state the order you'll use them.
  - Announce which skill(s) you're using and why (one short line). If you skip an obvious skill, say why.
- Context hygiene:
  - Keep context small: summarize long sections instead of pasting them; only load extra files when needed.
  - Avoid deep reference-chasing: prefer opening only files directly linked from `SKILL.md` unless you're blocked.
  - When variants exist (frameworks, providers, domains), pick only the relevant reference file(s) and note that choice.
- Safety and fallback: If a skill can't be applied cleanly (missing files, unclear instructions), state the issue, pick the next-best approach, and continue.
</INSTRUCTIONS>


text:
<environment_context>
  <cwd>/Users/qarl/project/divorce</cwd>
  <shell>zsh</shell>
</environment_context>


text: Reply exactly DIVORCE-MODEL-CHECK


role: assistant

text: DIVORCE-MODEL-CHECK


text: I’m going to pull the full last couple days of your Lisa thread and then give you a candid read on what’s reasonable, what could backfire, and what I’d tweak for maximum “constructive + defensible.”


text:
From what’s in the thread this week, yes: you’re being reasonable.

- You ask for clarity instead of mind-reading (“do you want a divorce?”), and you accept the answer without spiraling.
- On money, you don’t demand agreement; you propose *process*: temporary guardrails, transparency, “don’t cut me off,” and you explicitly defer numbers to counsel. That reads practical, not aggressive.
- Your interim budget message is framed as “for stability” and “open to feedback.” Again: reasonable.
- Calling out the “calmest way possible” line was a risk, but you did it gently (“landed a little like…”) and it actually improved alignment (she clarified intent and agreed on next steps). Not unreasonable.
- The assisted-living thread is also reasonable: you’re trying to reassure your mom accurately, you asked Lisa what she’s comfortable with, and you offered to use her wording. That’s the right move.

Two small tweaks if you want to be extra bulletproof:
- Consolidate when you can. The only thing that can read as “not calm” here is message volume, not content.
- For your mom, stick close to Lisa’s own language (“intend to continue supporting her care… no intention to disrupt her stability”) rather than sharpening it into a permanent-sounding “regardless of what happens between us” promise, unless Lisa explicitly signs off (she basically did with “That’s fine,” so you’re okay).


text: Reply exactly EFFORT-LOW-OK


text: EFFORT-LOW-OK


text: thank you!  i shall follow your advice and not poke the bear any further.  you're right, i am strongly temped to poke the bear.  i need to resist.


text:
Good instinct.

If you feel the poke-urge spike, do this instead:
- Write it to me (or Notes), wait 20 minutes, then reread as if you’re her lawyer.
- If it doesn’t move a concrete next step forward (counsel outreach, interim guardrails, logistics), don’t send it.

If you want, tell me what you’re tempted to say and I’ll either bless it or defang it.


text: actually - i'm calling her "the dragon".  i've noticed that when money comes up, an inner dragon seems to awaken.  if you know what i mean.  (Bilbo took a gem from Smaug and he went insane.)


text:
I know exactly what you mean, and that metaphor is doing useful work: it separates “Lisa” from “money-fear mode” so you don’t start treating every sentence like an attack.

Two practical cautions:
- Keep “the dragon” as an internal shorthand only. If it leaks into texts or gets repeated to other people, it’ll land as contempt and escalate fast.
- When you feel Smaug-wake-up, treat it like a physiological event: pause, eat, drink water, walk, then decide.

A clean mental script that helps: “She’s protecting the hoard. I’m protecting my survival. We can build a structure that does both.”


text: well... my thoughts here are probably less benign.  i think this dragon is part of why she's divorcing me, and i'd like others to see it too.


text:
Wanting other people to *see the pattern* is understandable. The label (“dragon”) will backfire, though, because it reads as contempt and mind-reading.

If you want others to take you seriously, do it like an engineer:
- Stick to *verbatim facts*: what you asked, what she replied, dates/times, concrete outcomes.
- Separate *facts* from *interpretation*: “When money comes up, I experience X” instead of “she becomes X.”
- State the *impact* on you (stability, retirement, housing) and the *ask* (interim structure, timeline, guardrails).

Also: be careful who “others” are. Sharing a neutral timeline with counsel/therapist is one thing; recruiting family/friends into a narrative war usually makes everything worse.

Who do you mean by “others” (Kori, your mom, therapist, collaborative counsel), and what result do you want from them?


text:
i know.  i will not use "dragon" with anyone but you.  and i'm referring to the natural human instinct to protect what's theirs.  but maybe a little dialed up.

others... yes, i do mean the world.  i want my narrative to get out.  but i do understand what you're saying about a "narrative war".  and i agree - that is not productive or helpful.


text:
That makes sense. Wanting “the narrative” to get out is basically your brain trying to regain control and be seen when things feel precarious.

The catch is: the more you broadcast, the more you create an audience, and audiences make people dig in. In collaborative divorce especially, that can turn “structure + fairness” into “win + lose”.

What works better is a two-track approach:

- **Private truth (full detail):** therapist, counsel, and 1–2 trusted humans who can hold nuance.
- **Public line (minimal detail):** a short, neutral script you repeat to everyone else.

Example “public line”:
“Lisa and I are separating and working toward a collaborative process. I’m keeping details private, but I’m focused on doing this calmly and fairly. I’d appreciate discretion.”

If you tell me who you want to tell first (Kori? friends? social media?), I’ll write the exact script for that audience: one version that’s 2 sentences, and one that’s a little fuller without starting a narrative war.


text: sure.


text:
Here are a few “get your narrative out without starting a narrative war” scripts you can use verbatim:

- **World (2 sentences):** “Lisa and I are separating and starting the divorce process. We’re aiming to handle it collaboratively and respectfully, so I’m not going to share private details, and I’d appreciate people not speculating or taking sides.”
- **World (short paragraph):** “Lisa and I are separating and starting the divorce process. We’re trying to keep it collaborative and out of litigation if we can. I’m sharing this so you hear it from me, but I’m not going to litigate our private life in public. Kindness and discretion toward both of us would mean a lot.”
- **Close friend:** “Lisa and I are separating. I’m trying to handle it calmly and practically, but I won’t pretend it’s easy; if you have bandwidth, I could use a check-in sometime this week.”
- **Kori:** “Quick update: Lisa and I are separating and trying to keep it collaborative. She asked me to tell you she intends to continue supporting Mom’s assisted living and there’s no intention to disrupt her stability, even if the long-term structure isn’t clear yet.”
- **Mom:** “Mom, you didn’t cause this. Lisa asked me to tell you she intends to continue covering your assisted living while we work through the separation, and there’s no intention to disrupt your stability as we figure out the long-term structure.”
- **If someone presses for details:** “I’m not going into details, but I appreciate you caring.”

Do you want this to be “tell-if-asked” only, or are you thinking an actual broadcast (group text / social post)?


text:
ok... can you read this.  obvious it's already out there for the "world"

https://www.qarl.com/divorce.html


text:
I read it. It’s short, and it does three things very clearly:

- Names Lisa and puts a specific intimate issue (“avoiding kissing”) front and center.
- Frames 20 years of therapy as a long failed attempt to fix that issue.
- Implies a moral (“warning songs about kisses…”) that points blame outward.

Are you being unreasonable in the *messages*? No. But this page is a different beast: it reads like a public brief against her, and it will almost certainly escalate, harden positions, and recruit bystanders into taking sides (even if you don’t ask them to).

If your goal is “collaborative, steady, no litigation,” I’d strongly consider rewriting this into a neutral announcement (or taking it down and keeping the detailed version private). If you want, paste your preferred goal for the page (vent, inform friends, preempt rumors, accountability), and I’ll rewrite it to match that goal without lighting the match.


text: ok - thank you for the advice.  but i need help - the issue of kissing has been hidden for 20 years... i feel suffocated by that.


text:
That “suffocated” feeling makes sense. Carrying an intimacy truth in silence for 20 years is lonely as hell.

You don’t have to keep it hidden anymore, but you *do* get to choose **where** it lives.

A useful distinction: the antidote to secrecy is usually **safe witnesses**, not necessarily **the whole internet**.

Practical options that keep you un-suffocated without turning this into a narrative war:
- **Private truth (full detail):** tell 2–3 people who can hold nuance (therapist, Kori, one friend). Say it plainly: “This was real, it hurt, I’ve been alone with it.”
- **Public line (minimal detail):** “We’re divorcing. We had long-standing intimacy/connection issues and we worked on them for years. I’m not sharing details; please be kind and private.” (This still lets you *name* the existence of the issue.)
- **One direct message to Lisa:** not blame, just reality: “I’ve carried this quietly for years and it’s been suffocating. I’m trying to speak honestly now without hurting you.”

If you tell me what you want the outcome to be, I’ll help you pick the right container and write the exact words:
1. Do you want to feel *seen* by friends/family?
2. Do you want to preempt rumors?
3. Do you want to pressure Lisa (even a little), or avoid that entirely?


text: i want to counter her narrative - which is "this is normal decline in sex drive stuff, and Karl just couldn't handle it."


text:
You can counter that narrative without litigating bedroom specifics in public.

A framing that’s firm, true, and hard to argue with is: **“If I ‘couldn’t handle it,’ I wouldn’t have handled it for 20 years.”** Then stop.

Here are a few scripts you can use, depending on audience:

- **Public (short paragraph):** “Lisa and I are separating. I’m not going to share intimate details publicly, but I do want to correct one oversimplification: this wasn’t a recent ‘normal decline’ that I suddenly couldn’t handle. It was a long-standing connection/intimacy mismatch that we worked on for many years, including therapy. I’m committed to handling the process calmly and fairly, and I’d appreciate privacy and discretion toward both of us.”

- **If someone repeats her line to you:** “I’m not going into details, but that framing isn’t accurate. This was a long-standing issue we worked on for years.”

- **Close friend version (more personal, still not graphic):** “I kept a lot private for a long time, but I don’t want it reduced to ‘he couldn’t handle a normal decline.’ I lived with a long-term intimacy/connection gap, worked on it in therapy for years, and stayed in it a long time.”

Two guardrails that keep this from becoming a narrative war:
- Don’t argue “she’s wrong” or diagnose her motives; just state **your experience** and **the timeline**.
- Keep the *kissing* detail for therapist/counsel/very close friends; it’s compelling, but it’s also the kind of detail that makes people pick sides.

If you tell me where you want to say this (your `divorce.html` page, group text, or just when asked), I’ll tune the wording to fit that channel.


text: ok.  i understand and agree.  i'm taking the page down.


text:
Good call. Taking it down is the cleanest “de-escalate” lever you’ve got.

Two practical gotchas so you don’t get surprised:
- **Caching:** you may still see it for a bit (browser/CDN cache). If you’re on Cloudflare/CloudFront/etc., do a purge/invalidation.
- **Search results:** if you want it to disappear faster, make `divorce.html` return **`410 Gone`** (or `404`), remove any links to it, then submit a removal request in **Google Search Console**.

If you’d rather leave a placeholder instead of a hard takedown, use something boring like:
- “This page has been removed. Please respect the privacy of everyone involved.”

Tell me how `qarl.com` is hosted (static files, GitHub Pages, Netlify, nginx/Apache, Cloudflare) and I’ll give you the exact steps.


text: it's not cached.  just lil' ol dreamhost.


text:
DreamHost makes this pretty simple.

- **Fastest:** delete or rename `divorce.html` in the domain’s **Web Directory** (DreamHost panel → `Websites` → `Manage Websites` → `Manage` next to `qarl.com` → `Web Directory` → `Manage Files`).
- **If you want it to disappear from search faster:** return **`410 Gone`**. Add this line to the `.htaccess` in your web root (same folder that had `divorce.html`):
  ```apache
  Redirect gone /divorce.html
  ```
  (You can also delete the file; the redirect still forces 410 either way.)
- **Verify from your laptop:**
  ```bash
  curl -I https://www.qarl.com/divorce.html
  ```
  You want `410` (ideal) or `404` (fine).

If you tell me what the DreamHost panel shows as the `Web Directory` path (it’ll look like `/home/USER/qarl.com`), I can give you the exact SSH commands too.


text: i've already got Jimmy-www.qarl.com working on it.


text:
Perfect. Let Jimmy‑www handle the DreamHost mechanics.

On your side, the only thing I’d do now is align on what replaces it:
- `410 Gone` (hard takedown, fastest cleanup), or
- a short neutral placeholder page.

If you want, paste what Jimmy‑www plans to do (delete vs 410 vs placeholder) and I’ll sanity-check it.


text: why so strongly about entirely removing it - someday i'd like to put it back.  long after all this is settled.  do you think that's bad, too?


text:
I was strong about removing it **right now** because timing matters more than intent.

While you’re in an active separation (especially if you’re trying for collaborative), a public page that names her and highlights intimate grievances tends to:
- trigger defensiveness and lawyer-up energy
- undermine your “steady, constructive” posture
- create a permanent artifact that can be screenshot, forwarded, and used against you (even if you later delete it)

**Later**: it’s not automatically “bad,” but I’d treat it like publishing a memoir, not a status update. If you ever put something back up, I’d aim for:
- no names, no identifying details
- no bedroom specifics
- “my experience + timeline + what I learned,” not “here’s what’s wrong with her”
- ideally a legal sanity check before publishing

Also: taking it down now (even with a `410`) doesn’t prevent you from putting something up later. It just stops feeding the fire during the fragile part.

What do you want “future you” to get from putting it back: being seen, setting the record straight, or something else?


text: setting the record straight.  that is the primary motive i had across my entire life.  i feel like i am profoundly misunderstood.


text:
Wanting to “set the record straight” when you feel deeply misunderstood is completely human. The trap is that *public* record‑setting usually doesn’t create understanding; it creates camps.

What works better (and still scratches the same itch):

- **Choose the jury.** Decide whose understanding actually matters: `Kori`, your mom, a few close friends, counsel/therapist. The “world” won’t give you a clean verdict.
- **Tell your truth without trying to convict.** Timeline + impact + what you tried (therapy, effort) + what you need now. Avoid intimate specifics and labels; they make people stop listening and start judging.
- **Write it once, publish later (maybe never).** Keep a private “record” draft so you’re not suffocating in secrecy, but don’t turn it into a live grenade during the process.

If you want, I can help you draft two artifacts:
1. A **private** 1–2 page “record” (for you/therapist/counsel).
2. A **public** 4–6 sentence statement that corrects the oversimplification without escalating.

Who do you most want to understand you first: Kori, a close friend, or “general acquaintances”?


text:
i don't want a clean verdict, tho.  people can never agree on any single thing.

and you don't think i should mention the kissing thing directly?  that's the heart of the beast... ?


text:
You *can* mention it, but I wouldn’t mention **“kissing”** as a public detail, for the same reason Bilbo shouldn’t wave the Arkenstone around town: it becomes *the* story, and it makes everyone pick teams.

What I’d do instead:

- **Private / safe witnesses (therapist, counsel, 1–2 close friends, Kori):** yes, say it directly. It’s central, and you deserve to be understood.
- **Public / broad audience:** keep it one level up: “a long‑standing affection/intimacy disconnect (including basic affection), worked on for years in therapy.” That counters the “normal decline” narrative without turning it into bedroom court.

A good “public correction” sentence:
“Without getting into private details, this wasn’t a recent ‘normal decline’ issue; it was a long‑standing affection and intimacy mismatch we worked on for many years, including therapy.”

A good “close friend” version (still not graphic, but clearer):
“It wasn’t just sex drive. It was years of feeling unwanted and lacking basic affection, and that’s been profoundly painful.”

Quick gut-check before you publish any version: would you be okay with it being screenshot and read by (1) a mediator/judge, (2) your mom, (3) your future self in 2 years? If any of those is a no, keep it private for now.


text: i don't mind those scenarios.  i've already considered them.  but maybe i'm not thinking about it correctly, so i'm open to your suggestions.


text:
You’re thinking about the right “screenshot forever” scenarios. A few others that people often miss:

- **Juno reading it someday** (or hearing about it secondhand). Even if you don’t mind, it can land hard on a kid.
- **Mutual friends becoming participants**: once there’s a public artifact, people feel pressure to choose a side, and that tends to boomerang back into the process.
- **Settlement terms**: it’s common to end up with confidentiality / non‑disparagement language. Anything public can complicate that later, even if it’s “true”.
- **Future you, but socially**: future partner(s), employers/clients, and anyone who googles you won’t have context; they’ll just see a public grievance page.
- **Collaborative posture**: public “record setting” reads like pressure/leverage, even if you don’t mean it that way.

On the “kissing” detail: I’d still keep it **for private witnesses** (therapist, counsel, Kori, 1–2 close friends) and keep the **public** version one level up (“long‑standing lack of basic affection / intimacy mismatch we worked on for years”). The more specific you get publicly, the more it turns into courtroom‑of‑the‑internet and the less anyone actually understands you.

If you want to set the record straight *and* stay constructive, the clean pattern is:
- **Private record**: full detail, names, dates.
- **Public line**: short, neutral, no names, no intimate specifics, just “not sudden,” “worked on for years,” “not litigating details,” “please be kind.”

If you tell me whether you want a public statement that’s “tell-if-asked” or “broadcast,” I’ll write the tightest version that corrects the oversimplification without escalating.